Ramblings of a Small-Town Girl

Forgiveness

2011-02-07T21:42:00.002-05:00

So, when I was at Winter Jam on Saturday, Chris August sang a song about forgiveness. I learned a long time ago from VeggieTales that you should forgive someone 7 times 70 times. 490 times! That is an awful lot! I mean, I understand why because the point is that it is so many times that you should essentially always be forgiving someone. But is there a point when you need to protect your own feelings? I mean, you can still forgive people but also distance yourself so as to not be hurt by them anymore.

I feel like I have given so many chances and shed too many tears over you. I can't stand feeling this way and I can't handle the fact that I care more about you than you do about me. I just don't want to be upset anymore so I'm getting over it now. Yeah, I still forgive you because that's what I should do and that's what I feel is right, but that doesn't mean I want to spend any more time caring when you obviously don't. I think God knows that that is a compromise I have to make for myself, while still forgiving. Hopefully I'm not misinterpreting the message.

I also am having some major anxiety about the fact I am leaving in 3 months. I know some of my contacts are going to fade and some friendships are going to, too, because the investment in the friendship isn't a two-way street anymore. I am just freaking out a little about leaving and I know I've said this before, but it just scares me.

In the words of an incredibly wise man, Albus Dumbledore, "It’s the unknown we fear when we look upon death and darkness, nothing more."

Friendship

2011-02-06T17:35:00.002-05:00

There isn't much I love more than good friends. (Other than my family, who is always #1 in my life). I just love to listen to people talk and be able to provide that shoulder to cry on because I know how much it's needed sometimes. I just want everyone to know that I'm here for you if you ever wanna chat and that I love you. :)

As of Late

2011-01-22T12:08:00.002-05:00

So, just as an update, I guess I'll talk about what's been going on with me lately. On a very positive note, I've begun student teaching and I'm loving every minute. The ups, the downs, and my amazing students, make it all worthwhile. I know now that this is really what I want to do. I love to teach and I love to help students learn. They are so impressionable and I hope that I can also be a good influence to them, while being someone they can confide in and trust in to help them achieve their goals. I know this sounds cliche, but until you work with kids, it's just so hard to describe how rewarding it can be. I just love my 6th graders so much! Yeah, I'm tired at the end of the day, but it pays off, and I find it so much more satisfying that going to class every day (yeah, undergrad classes can be a real bore). I do feel like more of an adult and less of a college student each day, though, because while my roommates and friends are out at night, I am hitting the hay pretty early to get ready for the next school day. I really don't mind, because I love the school, but it is definitely an adjustment to transition from full-time undergrad to student teacher. It's a really exciting transition, though.

I can't really think of anything else to talk about except that I have been kinda lonely lately. I mean, that's to be expected though getting used to a new routine while my friends keep their same one in this last semester. Oh well, 'this too shall pass'!

<3

New Year, Same Old Thoughts

2011-01-05T22:55:00.003-05:00

Okay, so not much annoys me, but...okay, who am I kidding. A ridiculous amount of stuff annoys me, but that's beside the point. Anyways, I am not trying to only complain in my blogs, but sometimes this is the only way I can express anything because, let's face it, I hate to talk about my emotions (well, the ones that make me sad or upset). One thing that bugs me is when people act differently around certain people than they do others. I know I've expressed this before, but be REAL! And be true to yourself no matter who you're around! Done with that one.

That actually might be my only annoyance at the moment. hmm...I'll get back to you on that one. No wait, sorry, I have another one, and that is shallowness. Men, women, homosexuals, heterosexuals, it doesn't matter. Yes, asking for a partner to take care of themselves and be healthy is one thing, but another thing altogether is when a standard is set so high that no one can possibly meet it. I can't help but lose my faith in relationships when I hear "oh but you're so beautiful, and oh you're so funny" but then no one is ever interested in me? Okay, don't get me wrong, I'm not crying out for a relationship because, honestly, I am really happy with my life right now and I am not desperately searching. I would rather be single than be desperate and I would rather be happy than in a relationship. Honestly, I am not just saying that. But sometimes the world we live in is awfully discouraging.

On a lighter note, I watched Brothers earlier and am now watching I'm Reed Fish. Pretty much soaking up all the movie watching I can before I hit the road back to CH! And I've been watching so much L&O: SVU that it's going out of style. Anyways, I won't get into the whole senior year sadness right now, but I'm just really starting to get upset about it. I don't want to leave, but all good things must come to an end. I just hope I enjoy every minute of it!

Hey-o!

2010-12-07T14:50:00.002-05:00

It's my last day of classes as an undergraduate! Next semester is all student teaching and NO MORE UNDERGRAD FINALS! woohoo! yet, at the same time, i'm quite sad. I'm getting older. Yes, I know that's obvious, but it's awfully scary sometimes. I'm really excited for Christmas break, though! And we get to go to Nashville for the bowl game! I AM SO PUMPED!

Also, really weird: I've been having strange dreams lately. Like, with people in them that I used to like. Like, in high school. Haha, that was 4 years ago! It's just extremely weird, but whatever. Just thought it was worth mentioning the weirdness. I think it's because I read my old journals the other day from high school, haha.

Something else I've been thinking about...some people in college need to grow up. Like, c'mon, you're still dressing like a, for lack of better word - slore (haha), and you're a legal adult? COME ON, get ahold of yourself. If that is all you think of yourself, then that's all others are going to think of you. Sorry bout it. Hopefully you know that all your attention is related to the fact you show off your body every chance you get. just fyi. I've seen this a lot lately with girls, and especially seniors and those who will be in the workforce in, oh, 6 months? It's just extremely sad. Sorry, my mom rant is now over. :)

Anyways, life overall is good. My car broke down the other day though, so that set me back almost 400 bucks. Ouch, Bruce. But the Hulk is up and running again, thank goodness!

2010-11-25T10:18:00.003-05:00

I am thankful for:

Family.

My mother, who is the strongest person I know and who I tell EVERYTHING to and I never feel that I am being judged or reprimanded for any of my decisions.
My sister, who is my best friend, and a wonderful Christian and amazing mother ! I want to be a great mom like her one day
My cousins, Ashley and Alicia, who have transformed from my annoying little cousins (haha) to beautiful women that I consider my close friends and who I love spending time with.
My grandma, who is a beautiful, strong woman that, despite her bluntness (haha), is someone who took care of my when I was little and helped me become who I am today.
All my aunts, uncles, and cousins, and my brother who are wonderful people and whom I love dearly! I love my family and the time we all spend together!

Friends.

I am incredibly thankful for my friends from home who I have remained friends with despite our distance. I love you all so much and am so grateful for how close we are, even though others think we're weird and our jokes are ridiculous. haha
I'm thankful for Miranda, who has been my best friend since 8th grade and who I can tell anything to. There's no one else I can talk to for hours about nothing and have comfortable silences with quite like her!
My roommates. I love you girls and I love the times we spend together, including our craziness that usually comes out around 12 am. I love our ridiculous singing to musicals and our group love of Glee.
My band family. I love you all so much. Without you, my college experience would never be the same!
Leanna, my first friend at Carolina! Without her, I wouldn't have seen so many a cappella performances! haha but seriously, my time at UNC has been defined by all the times we spend together (which is a lot!)
School of Ed friends. Can't believe we've all only been friends for a year, but it feels like longer! Love you girls. And special shout out to Erin, who I can't believe I've only known for a little while, because I feel like we've been friends for years!

I am also thankful for a roof over my head and a loving home. I am thankful for a family and friend group who shares so much love openly. I am also thankful for hugs because, honestly, what is better than a good hug, right?!

Love you all dearly! Happy Thanksgiving!

Know what I've learned recently?

2010-11-21T20:36:00.000-05:00

Love (in the romantic sense) isn't worth it.

Listening to friends cry, hearing people's terrible stories about relationships gone wrong, no one ever loving anyone back at the right times, the bad times and the pain just don't make a little while of happiness worth it.

Things Aren't What They Seem

2010-10-01T00:05:00.001-04:00

Hmm, so I meant to blog about this earlier this week but alas, no time. Anyways, isn't it crazy how families or anyone in general can seem ridiculously happy when in fact there are so many "under-the-table" issues going on that no one ever talks about.

So, Sunday I went home for Ashley and Alicia's 18th at my grandma's house and no one had told me that my step-grandpa was back in the hospital last Friday. Essentially, my grandma, aunt Kay, aunt Susie, and I were sitting at the kitchen table after everyone left discussing the whole situation. My grandma just started getting really upset about the whole thing and I just had no idea she was taking it so hard. I worry about her, really. She then said something about how we don't see her that much anymore and she doesn't want to be alone and I just wanted to cry. I just think it's crazy how I felt like everyone was so fine when I was totally wrong!

We all have issues. When I was dealing with my anxiety this summer, I know everyone seemed so shocked to know I was going through that. I guess everyone has false perceptions of how well each person deals with things so I must not be the only one. hmm. just something I've been wondering about lately.

Also on an unrelated note, we watched the Britney/Brittany episode of Glee and it was wonderful and the final scene where Rachel sings "The Only Exception" to Finn really got me thinking/made me kind of emotional. I guess I just realized that all the verses apply so well to my view of love, but I have yet to find anyone to prove there is such a thing as an exception. I sound incredibly cynical but I just don't know how I feel about it.

Anyways,

here's a verse or two to give you an idea, and maybe some of it just strikes a chord with me because of my past experiences:

And my momma swore that
She would never let herself forget
And that was the day that I promised
I'd never sing of love
If it does not exist
......

Maybe I know, somewhere
Deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways
To make it alone
Keep a straight face

Day Ten: One Confession.

2010-09-24T00:31:00.000-04:00

I don't think I'll ever get married because I don't know if I could ever make a relationship work that long.

Day Nine

2010-09-23T13:55:00.000-04:00

Super lame, but 2 smileys that describe my life right now:

:D

:|

Day Eight: Three Turn-Ons.

2010-09-22T23:13:00.000-04:00

1. A nice smile. I literally 1930s-style swoon when a guy has an adorable smile.

2. Good taste in movies. None of that "I only watch action flicks" business. I love it when a guy is interested in films.

3. Great sense of humor. If you can keep me laughing, I will like you, no doubt about it. Humor is so important. And for everyone who thinks girls are shallow, oh no no. We like your personality long after your looks fade, boys.

Day Seven: Four Turn-Offs

2010-09-21T14:36:00.000-04:00

1. Smoking. I don't want your cancer, k thanks.

2. Being condescending. I am not stupid and I don't need you to talk to me like I am.

3. Laziness/Being incredibly lame. Can't stand it. Yes, I am lazy every now and then too but I like to get up and do stuff once in a while!

4. Lots of PDA. that is NOT my style, so don't expect it from me, sorry! I didn't say no affection ever, you just gotta wait for the right setting ;) haha

Day Six: Five People Who Mean A Lot

2010-09-20T12:03:00.000-04:00

1. God

2. My mom

3. My sister

4. All my friends (all my high school/college/band friends!) I love you all so much and without you, I would be incredibly lost.

5. My entire family <3 love you all so much! aunts, uncles, cousins, grandma, niece, nephew, everyone! you all mean the world to me!

Day Five: Six Things I Wish I'd Never Done

2010-09-19T13:11:00.000-04:00

Hmm, i try not to regret a whole lot but you know there are always those moments when you definitely wish it would've worked out differently.

1. I wish I'd never quit piano lessons b/c playing piano is pretty awesome and I shouldn't have let the bass clef get the best of me. haha

2. Broken up with you so late into our relationship. I definitely should've done it sooner so to spare us both the pain.

3. Wish I'd never cried over pretty much every bad grade in school. how lame was I? haha

4. Wish I'd never said so many hurtful things to my mom over the years. I know it's what most bitchy teens do, but still I wish I would've been nicer more often. Sorry for the attitude, mom!

5. Spent all that money to see all those incredibly sucky horror movies in the theater. All those hours of my life I can never get back. Thanks, The Happening/Diary of the Dead/The Return, etc.

6. Gotten into the car wreck. That would've saved me lots of trouble. and I wouldn't have wrecked my grandma's car, which was the last recent thing we really had left to remember her by. I still feel terrible about it.

Day Four: Seven Things That Cross My Mind A Lot

2010-09-18T18:48:00.000-04:00

1. Why I never told you, in 3 whole years, how I felt about you. I'm okay with how things have turned out now but I just wonder A LOT about how that whole situation would've played out...

2. Why I let myself be so miserable for so long when I should've owned up to the fact I was unhappy.

3. The meaning of life/What is my purpose? Yeah, deep, but I think about it a lot.

4. Heaven. The afterlife. all that jazz.

5. Self-image/thinking about what others are thinking about me. yeah I am trying to improve this one but it's a work in progress.

6. Graduating.

7. Food and sleep. I know that's a random/kinda funny one but I really do always think about what I'm going to eat at my next meal/when I get to sleep next. haha

Day Three: Eight Ways to Win My Heart

2010-09-17T11:58:00.000-04:00

1. Send me random texts for no reason other than to say hi or ask how my day has been. i'm such a sucker for guys who aren't afraid to be random and show they care.

2. Be respectful to your mama! A boy who is nice to his mom makes me smile!

3. Have a great sense of humor! I love to joke around and if you aren't afraid to make funny/awkward/uncomfortably hilarious jokes then I am most likely going to be more attracted to you.

4. Hugs. Yes, it's simple, but I love a good hug!

5. Be passionate about something. Whether it be sports, movies, cars, school, whatever, just have something you care a lot about and aren't scared to talk about!

6. Be kinda nerdy. I am such a geek when it comes to stuff like Harry Potter, movies/books, and whatnot and I appreciate a guy who isn't scared to nerd out with me.

7. Be respectful. Don't say hurtful things and be considerate! 'nuff said.

8. Talk to me about anything and everything.

Day Two

2010-09-16T20:50:00.000-04:00

So this is the day where I have to write 9 things about me...hmm...

1. I try my hardest to do as much possible to please everyone. I want people to like me/I want to make others happy so that's why if it looks like I'm trying too hard, I probably am.

2. I try not to ever make the first move if I like someone because I usually doubt that they are interested so I won't do anything for fear of getting rejected. So, if I'm acting particularly friendly, that probably means I am attracted to you, just fyi.

3. I own wayyy too many movies. Most people know this already, but it's my side passion. I love to watch films, talk about them, argue in favor or against them (i'm looking at you, The Happening). My favorite genre is horror and I loooove horror films that are more than just jump out and scare you movies, but have real twists (although I like gory movies just as much as the next girl haha).

4. I am scared to graduate. This is probably a really normal feeling, but I'm like legitimately already dreading it. I am terrified of leaving my roommates, being forgotten, having a real job, being responsible for my own classroom of pre-teens. It's an incredibly exciting time, but also one that scares the bejeezus out of me.

5. Random one: I like to keep my room very cold if possible because snuggling up in lots of blankets is my fave. Also, I really really hate to be hot.

6. I've never dyed my hair. Blonde all the way!

7. I LOVE to dance! for some reason when I hear I song I really love I completely lose all embarrassment and go all out.

8. I am OCD. not like super duper crazy but it's pretty weird. I like my things to be a certain way and placed in certain spots. haha

9. I choked on two pennies when I was 3 and my brother had to do the Heimlich on me. I got really pissed because he hurt my stomach when he did it. haha Also I've been robbed twice. Once with my grandma when I was 3 or 4 and once last summer with Andrea. Oh, and I got an earring stuck in my ear one time and the doctor had to physically pry it out. ....That's a lot in one but they are all very unfortunate/now very weird/funny.

Day One: Ten things.

2010-09-15T10:10:00.000-04:00

I have seen this on a few people's blogs and thought it was kinda cool, so I'm gonna partake.

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession.

So I guess that means I get to start with the ten things....hmm okay here goes:

1. You are amazing/wonderful/the best friend anyone could ask for. Thanks for always being there :)
2. If you really wanted to be my friend, you would make the effort more often.
3. You are incredibly confusing.
4. I LOVE YOU!!!! you are the best role model anyone could ever possibly want!
5. Even though we had a rough patch last year, you will always be my best friend no matter what!
6. I wish I could be as positive and encouraging as you are.
7. I envy your self-confidence! I would LOVE to have that much belief in myself!
8. Sometimes you say really condescending things and maybe you don't realize it, but they hurt people's feelings. newsflash: work on being nicer.
9. We have just become friends this year and I'm so sad that this is my senior year because I am just getting to know you!
10. I miss you so much! I can't believe it's been 8 years...

Never-ending thoughts.

2010-08-29T17:52:00.000-04:00

I tend to forget to post for a LONG time and then remember that oh yeah, I have 1000 things going through my mind that would be a lot more manageable if I wrote them down. So, here goes...

Been thinking even more lately about love and to be honest I'm still incredibly discouraged by the prospects surrounding me. (aka there are none). The people that I typically fall for, also, are never right for me, which poses another difficult problem. Anyways, that's enough about that b/c it's far too boring for anyone who isn't me to listen to.

Another point is that it is now my senior year. Where did my time at Carolina go? I can't believe it's been 3 years since I moved in for the first time as a scared freshman. Time is one of my biggest fears. I have no control over it because it seems like any time I have fun, it flies by faster than I can imagine. I want to make the most of my senior year and live in the moment but I can't help thinking about the future (another of my fears). I guess the unknown is scary to everybody but I just can't help worrying about being forgotten after I leave UNC. I don't want to be "that senior" that everyone looks back on with fond memories after they leave for the workforce b/c I want to keep in touch with everyone.

This leads me to my last point, which is that of friendship. College is a time for meeting so many people, but I find it to be extremely difficult to find friends who don't prioritize you after a whole list of other things in their lives. My friends at home and I are 100% committed to seeing each other and making each other a priority in our lives. I feel like a lot of friends in college only want to see you when they have nothing better to do or when their other friends already have different plans. I've been feeling kind of low lately about certain people in my life acting like I'm their best friend but never wanting to make an effort to see me. It makes no sense! Also, if you have 2 different groups of friends, don't be ashamed of one and never invite them to hang out when the others are around. It makes us feel like we are not good enough and, speaking from experience, it really sucks. I'm not some sort of 2nd-rate person, you know.

Sorry to rant but sometimes journal-ing really helps matters.

On a more positive note, I've been working with my 6th graders at Smith lately and absolutely love it. So glad I chose the teaching profession because I feel like that's really where I'm needed and where I belong! Also, working with Erin has been great and my Cooperating Teacher is awesome as well! Had dinner with some School of Ed friends the other night, too, and I have to say I'm super grateful for such great ladies in my life! :)

PS: the roomies and I are doing great and they are amazing/i love them dearly, so this blog is not in any way passive aggressive towards them. haha

What's the meaning of life?

2010-02-06T21:19:00.000-05:00

hmm....i've been thinking lately it's definitely not school and grades and stuff like that. yes, i want to be a teacher and i want to be an influence to my students but even as a teacher i hope i remember what it was like to be the student and NOT always want to think about school. there are so many more things that exceed the importance of schoolwork. Family, friends, fun times, love, traveling, God, the natural beauty in this world. All of these things are so important.

I guess the reason I've been thinking about this is because my grandma is in the hospital. She's doing way better and I am so thankful to God for that, but it still scared me that she had this mini-stroke because what if I lost her?! or anyone in my family?! or even my friends?! i had to stay at school because i had schoolwork and a quiz to do before i could come home and see her. i'm sure, yeah that i could've gotten out of them if i really tried to but then the professors aren't usually very understanding, expecting you to make up all your work and keep up when you have way more pressing matters to deal with!!

all i know is that i adore my grandma and i could name at least 50 people off the top of my head right now that would be just as devastated as me if anything happened to her. that says a lot about a person, that that many people care for and love you. it says way more about you than how much schoolwork you do, that's for sure. no one gives a crap that i made a 78 on my recent quiz, except me. i'm programmed to care and i just really want to shed all that and focus on what's really important. it's times like these that make me realize that, yeah, i need to concentrate on school, but there is no reason i shouldn't be having fun, spending time with friends, and loving with all my heart everyone in my family. i can tell you the place where i think the most about life: hanging rock. or anywhere nature-y. if you don't believe in God, or ever doubt his presence, you have to experience nature and all the beautiful scenery in our world. it's absolutely breathtaking! it really gives you a chance to reflect on how precious life is.

pretty much, i just want to say that i love my grandma more than life and i love my entire family/friends as well. i would rather have saturday night dinners at grandmas for a lifetime than have to study ever again. nothing can make me feel whole like being with my family and friends. it's just nice to know that there is so much more meaningful than books and studying and all these petty material things. anyways, just thought i'd share. and grandma is really doing better and i have God to thank for that.

That 4 letter word...

2010-01-20T23:40:00.000-05:00

So about a half hour ago, while Lez and I were watching the Real World (yes, apparently my most philosophical of thoughts come during late-night reality programming), they showed one of the guys who had been dating his girlfriend for 3 years and is now (on next week's show, of course) going to make out with some rando chick. I just don't understand people and why they act the way they do. If you have temptations to make out with someone else when you're in a committed relationship, then you need to resist the urge or break up with the boyfriend/girlfriend because obviously you don't really feel like you're right for each other. I might be wrong, but it seems pretty simple, right? Stuff like this random cast member on the Real World leads me to be pissed off about people and what they call "love."

Firstly, I would like to say that I am starting to have some strong feelings about that word and if I really even think it exists. Honestly, I really think 2 people are attracted to each other and the attraction lasts as long as the people can keep it interesting. I don't think them being "in love" is what keeps the relationship going, it's compatibility. I know I sound so cynical right now and maybe I just don't understand the whole concept but that's how I'm starting to feel. Yeah, the physical aspects of relationships are nice but that isn't what keeps the relationship together. If you can't stand the person, it's not going to matter if the sex is good or they are the best kisser ever or "ooh, they're so dreamy." It just won't work out after a while.

I would also like to be honest and say that, yeah, I'm sure a lot of this stems from the issues with my mom and dad, but really it just gave me some perspective on the male gender. It's inherent for them to cheat and it really says a lot about a person if they can resist that urge before something happens with another person. I would rather someone break up with me b/c they had feelings for someone else than break up with me b/c they had already cheated on me with that person. I would just like to keep the order of things in a way that makes sense! I worry that if I'm with someone long enough, they'll cheat on me or get bored with me or whatnot and I think that happens so much nowadays. It's just a really depressing thought.

And to top it all off, we are all attracted to the wrong person at some point or another! Why does that happen? I just want to understand. I would love to like someone who actually liked me in return and not just another person that doesn't care about me at all. These things aren't easy to deal with and maybe I'm just being pessimistic, but that's what I'm trying to figure out: my beliefs on the whole issue. I would just rather not be wasting my time liking someone when I know the situation is never gonna amount to anything. Why do we have to waste our time? It's not like I can control who I have feelings for, either, and that's one of the most frustrating things I've ever experienced. You know if we could all choose who we were attracted to it would be some much easier...I just want to understand why I like guys who a) wouldn't consider dating someone like me in a million years and b) could never see me in that way. Why don't we find compatible boyfriends and girlfriends immediately? Why do people have to wade through the waters with "plenty of fish in the sea" when all we want is just the one person who completes us all along?

I've just been contemplating this for a while. It's something I have a lot of thoughts on and just had to write down once and for all. Hopefully it makes sense?

Thanksgiving Post!

2009-11-26T16:06:00.000-05:00

so, it's thanksgiving! didn't intend to update today really, but i have some time while mom is cooking for grandma's tonight :) i'm gonna be stereotypical and list the things i'm thankful for.

1. our house in walnut cove. though it may not be as close to family and friends as we used to be, i'm happy that we have more room and i'm especially happy that mom is happy. also, having more than like 2 windows is nice. :)

2. my amazing roommates/living situation at school. i love my girls and the great times we have.

3. my family. they are wonderful and amazing and loving. i feel so much like myself when i'm with them which is really how it should always be.

4. friends, of course. they listen when i need them and are always there to make me laugh.

5. following my heart 2 months ago. after all the hurt and pain, i'm so glad that i made the decision i did because it was right for me and i'm happy.

6. people who stay true to themselves. don't be 2 people at once. i'm grateful for the people who don't change to please others, although there aren't a lot of those people in the long run.

7. good cooking. thank goodness for moms and grandmas people who make delicious grub.

8. mi pueblo. it gets its own category.

9. lastly, i'm thankful for laughter and good humor/times spent with friends and family where good jokes and fun times can be had for hours on end.

10. oh, i know i said lastly for number 9, but i forgot to mention dancing. and dance parties. i'm very thankful for them and the people who also enjoy having a good time. <3

thank you to everyone! happy thanksgiving!

School time once again.

2009-08-09T21:46:00.000-04:00

So. School is about to start again and I'm getting excited! However, I feel like time just keeps passing me by. I am starting to regret all those times in high school I would say things like "oh, I can't wait to do this" and i was just wishing life away one day at a time. I'm trying to do better and be like oh, this will be fun when the day comes, but let's enjoy today for now because wishing it away will make me regret it later. I also am realizing that adulthood is right around the corner. Dating Bryan, who's already graduated, opens my eyes to the fact that college is gonna fly by and before I know it, I'll be Miss Goff and have a classroom full of pre-pubescent teens. oh man, i'm just not ready yet. Also, the future can be really scary sometimes. But then again, isn't everything unknown really anxiety-inducing?

Also, as of late, I'm trying to get back into my religious ways. I definitely have been astray for a while, and I really enjoy worshiping with music and everything, I have just gotten so distracted during preaching in the past few years that I'm just not getting anything out of it like I used to. So, I am also working on that and becoming a better person and Christian one day at a time. That's another thing about college; If you're weak in your beliefs, they can easily be wavered, making it extremely hard to remember what you used to believe at all. I am trying to not be close-minded, per se, but more open to other people's ideas while still not taking it for absolute truth immediately. I think that will help in the long run for sure.

Okay, so I guess that's about all the major stuff that's been on my mind lately...Ready for school though, but going to enjoy this week with my family and friends from home before I have to get back to work! :)

people change.

2009-07-26T21:39:00.000-04:00

so i have had this on my mind for a while now and have talked in a lengthy fashion about it with various people, but i just need to write it down to get all my thoughts out at once. so, on the way back from busch gardens a few weeks ago, we got to talking about marriage. then we talked about who would be in our wedding party and how at one point in time we all had HUGE lists of people we just couldn't imagine not being in our weddings one day. when you're 14 you think everyone is your true blue bff. as time goes on, though, you really find out who your true friends are.

pretty much, i have determined with some people that we will just never be the best of friends like we always thought we were back in the day. even friends i was close to senior year in high school have drifted away and chosen paths i just can't relate to. it's not that i condemn them for it, but it's not something i want to be around or can make conversations about with them. it's like we were walking and chose two entirely different roads to follow. that is all well and good, it's just really hard after years of being friends with someone to admit that maybe they aren't the best friends for you after all. honestly, turning 20 and being in college and taking a lot of time out to think about this, it's true who your real friends are. those are people who don't bring you down and who you have more nice things to say about then things that make you different from one another. anyways, spiel over.

sidenote: i had a great time yesterday with andrea's family at her aunt's house in mooresville! i loved just laying out and talking with andrea about all sorts of stuff and staying up late chatting too. Her family is also hilarious and makes AMAZING food, so that was awesome. I am really stoked about us living together because I think we are going to have a blast. It's one of those things when you wish you would've become closer sooner b/c i was missin' out! ;) anyways, it was fun and i had a blast!

getting ready for school is stressing me a little, though, because i know i am going to miss my family, gracie, friends, and bryan SO MUCH. we'll make it work out though. i know we can do it.

2009-06-25T20:21:00.001-04:00

I hate my body. I wish I didn't, but it's one of those things I just can't help sometimes. every time i walk past a mirror, i have to look even though i know i will be disgusted. it's tearing me down and i can't stand it.

Summer Time Is Calling...

2009-05-08T22:17:00.000-04:00

MHM, YA'LL! It's that glorious time of year again. ;) So excited! So far, been fairly unproductive and loving every minute. Miranda and I spent some time watching the Descent today and being lazy until Gracie came over for a little while. Then, Bryan and I went and saw Star Trek, which I really loved. It was so much better than I think the tv show is, which is probably because I am not really in that generation and whatnot. Anyways, tomorrow Bryan and I are taking a non-planned trip to the zoo with Courtney, Devin, and Gracie. They had planned to go and mentioned it to us and we were literally just talking the other day about going, so we are tagging along as well ! I think it'll be really fun! Then, double mother's day dinners with Bryan's family and mine!

Bryan's graduation is Sunday...I am just praying it doesn't rain because I really want to be there to see him graduate. But, if not, I guess I will see pictures and photoshop myself in, ha ha.

Why, yes, that is the world's smallest violin...

2009-04-24T13:33:00.001-04:00

I have discovered that the one thing I absolutely LOATHE about college is that there is nowhere to be completely alone. I have been incredibly emotional lately, just sobbing over the stupidest things, but I have nowhere to do it without drawing attention to myself and that just makes me want to scream. I just miss my own room. :( and I cannot wait to be home for summer because I don't know how much more I can take of my own inadequacies being pointed out here at school. It's like oh, Rebekah, were you just starting to feel like you were smart? oh, well too bad because here's a C to bring you down just a little further in your already lacking self-confidence.. I promise I'm not clinically depressed (or as far as I know, I'm not...:) ) and I am not looking for pity, this is just my only real way to get this out. Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me, but I think I just need a break. Honestly, I just want to be home, taking a walk in the park or hanging out with all the people I haven't seen in so long. <3

Ugh, emotional rant over. My apologies.

Been thinking

2009-04-11T22:09:00.000-04:00

So, this is gonna sound so 1950s of me to say this, but I have been thinking about this for a few months and I think one of the only things I really want to achieve in life is to be a mother. (this is NOT a hint at anything, trust me it won't happen anytime soon). I don't know why I was thinking about this, but I just know that's what I'm meant to do at some point. Honestly I couldn't be more excited but obviously I know it's a big responsibility. I wonder if that's why I don't (and have never) want to participate in those "regular" young people activities like drinking and doing various adolescent things. I think I've always been older than I seem at heart and just have never been remotely interested in doing something that alters my mindset. I don't think that a lot of people understand that because I'm certainly in the minority in my views, but I just really want to be a wife and mother. Maybe that's weird for a 19 year old to say, but that's just me. :)

And also, along with that, I just have never understood why people do stuff like that. Miranda and I were talking about how people always say "you should try stuff at least once" but I couldn't disagree more. haha...I just think life will be just as good if I never try that stuff. I think that's why Miranda and I are best friends and have been for a long time. And I'm very glad that the love of my life feels that way too. I think I finally found my perfect fit. I <3 you, BLD.

Summer is Near!

2009-03-30T21:54:00.000-04:00

oh my gosh, my excitement in the fact that there are only 4 weeks of school left is really exploding now!!

i cannot wait for summer fun. i really love it. and birthday party! yessssh!

and harry potter 6, making shirts and whatnot!

:)

I am so excited. okay, excitement over. (not really). :D

2009-03-21T20:58:00.000-04:00

I feel like I don't do as many fun things as I used to. I love life just as much as I did but I feel like I am much more reserved in what I like to do, like small group activities and quiet nights at home. Maybe that doesn't mean I'm less fun, but that I have just changed. That happens I guess. I just need to get used to it.

I am counting down days til summer <3

2009-02-25T18:14:00.000-05:00

I need spring break to be here. NOW.

People are annoying me extremely easily now and I am stressing every 5 seconds about this and that. Also, I haven't heard back from School of Ed yet and I don't know what the deal is. It's making me panic.

I don't know if something is wrong with me medically, but I am also tired pretty much every 8 hours or so. I can sleep for like 12 hours and still want to sleep. I am not sure if dance marathon really messed me up that badly or if I have some sort of medical issue. Like right now I could go to sleep til morning. What the heck!?

that's it I guess.

Dance Marathon...Check!

2009-02-22T20:20:00.000-05:00

Wowwwwwwwwww I stood on my feet for 24 hours. How completely crazy is that?! trust me, before it started, I had no idea I was going to be in so much pain when I was done. around 3 am was the worst, though. I thought I was going to collapse! I just need to teach my body that that time doesn't automatically mean sleep. :)

so, anyways...I was in extreme pain afterward and slept 16 hours...that was the wondrous part.

Also, my mom, aunt Susie, and Gracie came to see me randomly! My mom and Gracie came from King! I can't believe they drove here to see me for 30 min. but I am SO glad they did. Gracie is so much bigger every time I see her! I also got to see Bryan when he played with them at the stadium! That was great too. I think those 2 things, along with getting cards from my family, are what kept me going!

Whew, I don't know if I'll do it again next year, but I will certainly help raise money and maybe a shift :)

Also, Bryan has been so amazing today because I am still sore and exhausted. Not that he isn't nice usually, but I'm just saying I need to stand up for 24 hours more often. haha!

Well, I cannot wait for spring break. I am so ready to be home again and get all these papers out of the way!

Whew!

anyways, I am off!

Love love love

What's up, ya'll?

2009-02-14T20:08:00.000-05:00

So...it's Valentine's Day. Obviously. :) we didn't really do anything to signify that it was any different than a regular weekend and, honestly, I think I am more okay with that than I thought I would be. Society convinces you you must signify your love, but I don't think I have to because I hope that every day Bryan knows how much I love him.

Anyways, I made a 70 on my first discrete math test :\ . eh...that's okay I guess. Uh...it makes me so down to think about how I need this horrendous class in order to teach. Although, I can't let anything hold me back, I suppose. I find out from school of education soon and I am really hoping I got in. I think I will, but there is always a part of me that has no faith in myself. I don't understand why I always do that, but I just can't trust that I'm as "good" as people say I am. eh...

also, I have been thinking a lot about how much people change. It's not that I don't want to be friends with them anymore but I don't think some people understand that we just can't be as close as we used to when our common goals are nowhere near the same anymore. I will never be a drinker or partier (partyer? eh...whatevs. haha) and I never want to be classified as that. I don't judge people who do, but we're just not going to be the best of friends b/c your interests have to overlap. I seriously don't mind people doing it though, I just don't understand drunkenness. Like full-on, I am so shit-faced that I am falling down and looking like a dumb-a...why would you want that image? maybe I am missing something...

anyways,

Just had to vent for a second.

anyways, I have the best family and friends everrrrrr. I love my beautiful sister, mom, niece, best friend, and everyone who makes me remember why I love being home <3

also...I really love Bryan Lee Denny. Really really.

2009-01-19T09:26:00.000-05:00

Alrighty then. School is back in session, ya'll. Not so sure how I feel about that yet, to be honest. For some reason, and I guess it's because I was spoiled by home over break, I was missing it really badly this whole week. So, just until tomorrow morning, I am here at my favorite place, my house <3. Today I'm going shopping with Courtney, Devin, and Gracie which will be fun. I am super stoked. and tonight mom is making dinner for all of us. :)

I mentioned mom's breast biopsy before, and I never updated, but it turned out great ! There was no cancer, thank you Jesus! I was very happy and I know she was relieved.

Me and the gals just signed to be put on a waiting list for a townhome ! How exciting ! I am so stoked about our living situation next year because it will be something new and fun, and plus I will get to know them a lot better than I do now because our schedules keep us from stuff like that. So, it's gonna be fun !

See ya !

Happenings

2009-01-03T14:28:00.000-05:00

So, Christmas break. Guess I should do some updatin'. So this break has been pretty great so far, but it's gone by so fast ! ! So, Christmas was great. I love Christmas Eve so much. We do dirty santa with my family and it was so amazing. Well, the condoms were at least funny. ha ha...wow I love my family. Then, the next morning we woke up and made breakfast and opened gifts. Seeing Gracie grow up is really bittersweet because it is so cute but it also is reminding me of growing up myself. So fast. goodness, that freaks me out. I have to apply to school of ed soon and that scares me as well. I want to make sure I'm making the right choice, but who knows at the time the make it? I don't think anyone does, really.

Anyways, back to the point. Then, the day after Christmas, we left for the bowl game which I, honestly, was dreading because I didn't want to cut off Christmas so soon! But, it turned out to be so amazing and I realize, after a chat until 2 am, that I just love my roomies. I love serious chats, too. Well, rephrasing, I like to listen. I don't always like to talk about my own emotional status, which leaves me bottled up sometimes. I try to do better, though. But, other than that, there was karaoke (interesting...haha) and shadow puppets, which is just the recipe for a successful trip, I mean c'mon. :)

Since then I've just been hanging out, pretty much. I am very sad for only one more week of break though. I love being out of school and I feel like I've barely recovered from last semester yet ! Hanging out with friends has been fun and seeing Miranda, Katie, and everyone...and Kim came home yesterday so I got to see her !!! I've missed her a lot. I saw Seven Pounds twice and the Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Both of which made me cry immensely. It was almost ridiculous how much I cried. But they were both SO good ! Seeing my family has made me really happy too. Ashley and Alicia came to a basketball game which meant a lot to me and I think they really had fun. <3

My mom had a breast biopsy the other day because they found some gray area. I am worried about it but I try to not to dwell on it too long, b/c I am just hoping she will be okay.

So, other than than, I have the same vision (thanks, eye doctor appt.), and I am still head over heels for Bryan. It's so scary, but amazing at the same time because, seriously, after my mom and dad stuff I really thought I wouldn't be able to trust anyone but luckily he came along and is now a best friend and someone I like to tell everything to. I'm glad it turned out this way.

What is wrong with me?

2008-11-20T20:44:00.000-05:00

I am seriously concerned about my recent bout of depression. no, not like clinical depression. I have just been getting way too upset over way-too-unimportant things lately. Like, I was gonna go home Monday for Thanksgiving and skip stat Tuesday but then I found out in class he made homework due. and I started to tear up because I have to spend another day and go to stat on top of that. It sucks a lot. But I was surprised at how upset it made me. I think I am really going through family withdrawals. I hate that I miss day after day of Gracie growing up. She is saying "up" now and walking everywhere and I am missing it! Ugh. And my cousins...who knows what is going on with them now. They're sophmores now, which blows my mind as it is. I remember the day they were born and now they're driving! eek. I think I'm having some sort of life crisis. I am 19 and a half. That freaks me out. I guess I'm just scared? I want to be a good person, too, and I feel like daily I am failing at that. I wish I could be as good of a person as my sister. Really. She is so amazing and has such great faith. I envy her, I really do.

I hate being emo, so my apologies.

I want to be home for Thanksgiving right now so badly I can't take it. I want my own bed and time with my family and friends <3

OMG

2008-10-30T22:59:00.000-04:00

I am so excited for this weekend. No work will get done, but fun shall ensue!! SO...Tomorrow is Halloween. Ack! So excited!! :D I bought my afro, so life is good. haha. I also can't wait to watch the Strangers again and pig out on junk food (story of my life). Then, on Saturday we are going to the 80s dance at Cat's Cradle. Hellz yes. I get to go with Andrea, which will be uber-fun, b/c I miss spending time with her, especially in this band-free week! Also, I was hit up with a proposition tonight that I am highly considering. Details to be posted later. :)

Anyways, HSM 3 on Saturday too so this weekend should be pretty baller. and dinner at Andrea's Sunday. PARTAY.

Wow, I am really just ultimately procrastinating right now. French midterms suck hard.

Also, Miranda is coming up next weekend for the Homecoming game. We shall have goooooooodd times. I miss her :( But soon I will see her again!! Woooooo!

Ugh, I want it to be time for a break again, but I don't want to wish time away or anything. I just hate studying. And I (obviously) look for distractions in anything.

It's 2 months with Bryan next Friday. GOOD GRACIOUS, WHERE HAS THE TIME GONE?!

<3

October is Here!!

2008-10-01T19:11:00.000-04:00

I am so excited it's October today!! I can't believe how fast the time has gone by, though. It seems like a week ago we started classes! I am loving the fall weather, too. Oh my gahhh how I love to walk out and it's breezy, not humid, and clear. <3 mhm, makes me smile :)

Also, life in general has been good! My priorities have been a little skewed lately, but I don't mind ;) I absolutely adore the time I get to spend with my sax quartet, Bryan, and all the time I spend with Miranda on the phone catching up or just chatting about nothing in particular. Those are my favorite conversations anyway because they show how close we are that we don't need a reason to call. I cannot wait for her to come visit again, and I hope she will be home for at least a day over fall break b/c I want to see her!

Also, I cannot wait for fall break so i can be home for a while and eat some Mi Pueblo...oh, and maybe spend some time with friends and family. But you know, mostly Mi Pueblo. haha. I think Bryan and I might go hiking or something which I am excited about because I have been suffering withdrawals from the beautiful mountains near home. I love Chapel Hill, but sometimes I need some good rural country scenery :) Speaking of Bryan, that is still going great and I love being with him so much. He really means a lot to me and I feel like we've grown so close. I like him a lot. What can I say? <3

On another note, Gracie is SOOOO big now. And she is walking a little bit, which is amazing. I really cherish every minute I spend with her because even when she smiles at me or I can make her laugh even a little, it makes me so happy! I can't wait to see them this weekend. Courtney gave me a "birthday" card the other day. She has had it for about 2 years and was always gonna give it to me but didn't want to give it to me on my birthday (even though it's a birthday card) so she randomly gave it to me. I know this is a random story, but I don't know if she knows how much I get out of every word the card says about loving each other and being best friends. I just really love her and am glad we have such a good relationship :)

Anyways, Happy October!! I hope it is great already! I love all of you so much. <3

This weather makes me smile <3

2008-09-24T14:06:00.000-04:00

I am thoroughly enjoying this sudden cool weather we've been having. It feels sooooo good!! I love fall, I really do. I am anticipating Halloween already, which is kind of sad. haha My favorite thing, though, is when it's sunny and about 65 degrees and you walk down Franklin and see all the Halloween decorations. Something about that just makes me feel so grateful to be alive.

Life has been pretty great recently. I mean, there are so many things going right. However, I did bomb my calc test but I have faith that I can bring it up if I try really hard. But, other than that, school has been pretty bearable and life has been great. I found out Miranda is coming to visit again in November and that makes me pretty excited! Also, band is going fairly well (we will omit sucky silent night practice last night that made me a not-so-happy camper) and I feel like I have met even more amazing people this year. I love to go to practice just to catch up with my sax buddies and I have to say that expanding our trio to a quartet has been pretty rad. Game day vs. VA Tech was pretty great even though we lost. Spending time with my friends just keeps me grounded and remembering how important they are to me. :)

On another note, there's Bryan. I don't want to say too much on this one b/c I know no one wants to hear me be sickeningly sweet, but he is great and I am really happy with how things are going right now. I am so comfortable with him and he's so easy to talk to. I think being friends before really helped us to avoid any sort of awkward phase. Anyways, I'm happy. I'll leave it at that. <3

2008-09-07T17:29:00.000-04:00

Ugh, it is so hot today! I just got finished playing at women's soccer and I am so exhausted. Although I might should attribute THAT to not going to sleep until 5:30. I am really excited about going home this weekend, if not for my friends then mostly the delicious fair food. haha

I was thinking about this the other day, but I am really modest. I know that sounds not modest to say that I am, but I think it makes sense? sort of? I hate it when people compliment me on various things. Okay, back up...I don't hate the compliment, but I feel as if it isn't really something I should take credit for. I think it makes me feel weird when people say things like that because I feel like then I am put at a certain level and must always maintain that position. I don't know if that makes sense, but I really feel like I am mediocre at most things and when people tell me good at something, it makes me feel so vulnerable, like I have to prove something. I don't know really, but I am just a strange individual.

Well, I think a nap is calling my name right about now so I'ma rap this up. :)

If you're confused and you know it, raise your hand.

2008-09-06T02:10:00.000-04:00

My life is a big orb of confusion right now. Isn't that so fun? Do I even care anymore? I don't know! I thought I didn't but then one little thing triggers it all over again.

What does that even mean?

Ugh

2008-09-03T19:18:00.000-04:00

I need a self-esteem boost. Majorly. I don't mean like pity or anything, but I just need to get my act together because my self image has gone down drastically lately. Gah. I hate comparing myself to others but don't we all do it all the time? It makes daily life so much harder to get through.

I love my friends

2008-09-03T00:10:00.000-04:00

I love being reminded of how great my friends are. It happens pretty much every day, but I love that reminder. :)

How is it that just seeing those people you love makes your heart swell and you just want to be with them all the time? Having Miranda here all weekend made me realize how much I miss her, but also made me see even more how close we are. <3

There are so many great friends here too and I can't even begin to say how lucky I am to have them. I have to say that being friends with Leanna has been so much fun since the day we met last year (awkwardly, at that hahaha). Going to so many band rehearsals is totally worth it because I know that every single one is fun with them around :)

This is a really repetitive blog, but pretty much regardless of if I have known you for a really long time, text you daily about my basketball player sightings, finish your sentences, or even if I have just become close to you this year (freshies!) I love you all sooooo much! Thanks for being amazing. <3

You help me stay grounded and realize what is important in life!

If you are still at home in King, or at any other colleges, I miss you so much!! And if you are here at school you know how much I love you if I pick on you relentlessly and give you a hard time! :)

A lot of stuff at once

2008-09-01T14:27:00.001-04:00

There is so much on my mind! Gah! I am really trying to stay on top of my school work but sometimes the fun stuff just really gets in the way (and I don't mind, by the way. I mean, who doesn't like fun things?) Then there are all the emotions that I have lately. For some reason, unknown to me, I am having one of those times when I feel on the verge of tears all the time. It's not for any specific reason, because I certainly can't figure out why. I think it might be because I haven't had a good cry in a while and those usually help.

Also, I saw Gracie, Mom, and Courtney on Saturday and I realize how much I miss my family and how out of the loop I feel in terms of watching Gracie grow up. It hurts so much to know that your niece doesn't see you enough to remember you for long periods of time. I mean, obviously it's no one's fault but the fact that babies don't remember much (haha), but it is still like a reality check.

Also, I really just want to sleep for like a whole day. Wouldn't that be fabulous? I am so tired all the time and I really need to start getting to sleep earlier and not spending so much time doing meaningless things that take up my time. I am a chronic time-waster. It's what I do.

Also, my dad hasn't sent me any mail or anything. Maybe he gave up trying to get me to talk to him? I know it's ridiculous for me not to talk to him for more than 15 min since last October, but it's so hard to get over something like that. Oh well. That is one of the hardest things to know: should I forgive so easily when I am still hurting? or should I forgive for fear I won't always have such a good chance? It's so complicated. I wish he wouldn't have f***ed things up in the first place but I'm sure it happened for some reason. Maybe to test me and see if I really can forgive? I guess I failed at that one.

Oh well. Life is great most of the time, it's just got its obstacles that require some thought. and obviously a period of emotional instability haha

I just want to sleep

2008-08-28T14:05:00.001-04:00

My stat class today almost made me want to strangle someone. I can't take an hour and fifteen minutes of meaningless talking where we could really be done in about 45 minutes if we subtracted the irrelevant tangents he goes off on. Don't get me wrong, he is a cute little man who is pretty funny, but let's just get to the point! I don't know if I can take this twice a week. bah!

I am SO excited for this weekend. Not only do I get to see Miranda, but I get a nice break from school for a few days. I probably should work on some school-related items, but I am pretty sure this weekend is going to be 98% work-free. (I allow 2% just in case haha).

Oh em geeeeee I get to see mom, Courtney, and Gracie in 2 days! <3>as a final sidenote: yesterday was a really good day. :)

Wow, another year already

2008-08-27T13:28:00.000-04:00

Sophmore...already?! I feel like it was just yesterday I was playing the pink ranger in Kindergarten. So, the year is already off and running and I feel like I am just right at the edge trying to keep it together enough to get everything done. I am taking Calc again, but it's been like 2 years so I am really trying to remember it all and it is really consuming a lot of my time and, to be honest, worrying me 24/7. Other things have been on my mind too, but you know how the whole relationship thing goes. Or if you are me, you really don't know how that goes. :) I really hate the fact that no one, myself included, is gutsy enough to just be like "hey, i like you," but at the same time I hate how lame that phrase sounds. It's a true statement, but I wish there were something more elegant. Haha...who knows! Wow, this is a lame tangent.

Anyways, I am really doing so much better this year than last. I fit back into Chapel Hill life so easily this time and I don't long for home like I did before. I love it here and I now realize how fast my time will pass and it really bothers me how much I take for granted. I love everyone here so much! I do, however, miss Miranda, Morgan, Matt and everyone from home! Not seeing Miranda every day is really hard sometimes because she really is the other half of me. But she is coming up this WHOLE weekend and I am so stoked. The best thing is when you have your friends from home with your friends from school together in one place because everyone you love is around you. I am sooooo excited!

On another note, I really need to get my act together when it comes to my faith. I am just so utterly confused about myself all the time and I don't know what I believe anymore. I know, undoubtedly, that I have faith but it is just lost somewhere at this moment and I want it back. I know this happens to so many people, but I really get concerned when I see people really moving in Christ and I know I haven't felt that way in at least a few months, if not longer. I will have to try to do better because this is really the time when it all matters most.

This is really long and I doubt anyone is reading but, if so, thank you! I just really needed a way to vent and I really love to get my emotions out in the open.

By the way, if you haven't listened to Coldplay's "Yellow" in a while, please do so. That is my recommendation for the day :)